The 3 letter acronym that’s supposed to show true interest, but can also in turn show no interest at all.
What are you doing?
What are you doing to me?
After all this time and energy and just investment, I still am not profiting. I give you everything from my attention, my listening ear, my shoulder to cry on, my bed to sleep in, my touch for comfort, my warmth, my embrace, my tears, my laughter, my trust. for what? for you.
I put my pride and anger aside. I pack my rage into my back pocket and forget about it until I sit down and think. All this overthinking; all this depression building up. It’s not healthy to pile it up. It’s not safe to let it roam free.
So I sit still and look pretty. Nod and smile. Accept what’s happening and keep moving forward as if nothing is wrong.
This is what you want. This is what you’ll get.
For what? For you.
Whether it’s proofreading a text message before sending it or it’s reading over something you’ve posted y e a r s ago on facebook that people have already been exposed to; people have already liked it & it’s now into the universe & FB memories will remind you of it so there’s no turning back.
I’ve read & re-read things that I have written. Some, regrettably (but not really), I have deleted, but those needed to be disposed of. OTHERS, I’ve kept and let linger so I can read them again and feel the feels all over again. You know, sometimes you have to keep things like that around and you need to keep those feelings bottled into those memories. Those memories may expose your deeper feelings you may never feel again. Those memories may hold your first fear, your worst fear. They may encase what you believed was t r u e love.
I find myself reliving those moments in my head & I wouldn’t change a goddamned thing.
I do have this thing about NO RAGRETS. I c h o o s e to accept the choices I have made in my life. I c h o o s e to accept my changes in lifestyle; from tomboy, to punk rock, to “ghetto”, to alternative, to not giving a damn, to slutty, to sporty, to girly, to emo, to nerdy, to WHATEVER tf because I embrace the idea of c h a n g e. Change is beautiful. Change is a privilege. Change has made me me.
I don’t get to decide that I didn’t lose my virginity. I don’t get to decide that I didn’t hurt the people I have in the past. But what I can do is change my attitude about the situations. I am grateful that I had given my virginity to the man I thought I loved very much at the time and I am grateful that it wasn’t taken from me forcefully and without my consent. I started apologizing to people I had hurt. Now I work 23563x as hard not to hurt others. I acknowledge the effect I can have on others & work so hard to treat others the way I would like to be treated. I may not be perfect, but I am trying to be a good human being.
It’s looking back that truly helps us in moving forward. Not saying go back and build back bridges that were burnt to the ground for clear reason. Don’t dwell on the past. Just learn from it..
fiseebilillah:
I think the scariest thing in this world is you never know someone’s true intentions with you
(via baytrah-deactivated20180604)
I’ve fucked up so many times.
Many a times for the average girl.
But when is it too much?
When has it gone too far?
The answers will remain unclear since everyone’s point of view changes depending on their different experiences in life.
For me: It’s too much when he’s taking everything from you for free but still wants to go to the store to buy something more. It’s gone too far when he’s crossed the line of being humane towards me.
How long is too long?
When do you let go?
For me: It’s obviously too long if you don’t even know if you love me. You don’t want to spend time with me. You’ve officially made it a thing to avoid me meanwhile you lay next to me in my bed, in the sheets that I paid for, under the roof provided by MY mother. It’s too damn long if you just letting your resentment linger.
don’t let me dangle. don’t hold hatred. don’t hold onto hot coals. don’t overlook the good. don’t think you’ve done us a favor.
Please let go properly. Let go respectfully. Place me down nicely how you found me. I’ve got enough damage, so treat me tenderly.
And although you believe I don’t deserve it. Please believe that I was there while you were hurting me. I have been there mending my half and trying to mend yours simultaneously. But you’ve stopped. You’ve stopped any type of effort. You’ve stopped being my boyfriend long ago. How is a relationship supposed to stay afloat when only one of us is still in love?
And as much as it hurts me to say it, I love you to this day. I love you a l w a y s. even after all this heart ache. After all the spite, the resentment, the vulgarity, the emotional put downs. I still love you. You will always hold a sacred part of my heart.
Some day I will stop thinking about you. Some day I will believe I feel stronger feelings for someone else. Some day. But that day is not today.
When am I supposed to let go?
Why am I still holding on if you’ve let go effortlessly?
